1800s Jokes!

POOR FELLOW
We know a lawyer who gets so confused by press of business that he frequently mistakes one parchment for another; in fact, he has been known to "take the will for the deed!"

DEFINITION OF ETERNITY
Just lend me your umbrella for five minutes.

THE IRISH CRIER
"In Cork," said O'Connell, "I remember a supernumerary crier, trying to disperse the crowd by exclaiming, with a stentorian voice, 'All you blackguards that isn't lawyers, lave the presence of the Court entirely, or I'll make ye, by the powers!'"

THE MISERIES OF EDITING
An editor at the dinner table, being asked if he would take some pudding, replied in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to crowd of other matter, I am unable to find room for it."

THE BRITISH FLAG
No such thing; when Britons fight they never flag.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "NOT" AND "NO."
There is a wide difference between "He was not more respected in public than revered in private," and "He was no more respected in public than revered in private."

A SIMILE
A man of philosophic temperament resembles a cucumber� for although he may be completely cut up, he still remains cool.

MONEY
When is money damp?
When it is dew in the morning and mist at night.

RETORT
"I go through my work," as the needle said to the idle boy.
"But not till you are hard pushed," as the idle boy said to the needle.

PLENTY OF CHAIRS
"Ah, Mr. Simpkins, we have not chairs enough for our company," said a gay young wife to her frugal husband.
"Plenty of chairs, ducky; but a little too much company," replied Mr. Simpkins.

A NUISANCE
"Mr. Magistrate, I want to ask you a question. Has a man got a right to commit a nuisance?"
"No, Sir, not even the Mayor."
"Then, Sir, I claim my liberty. I was arrested as a nuisance, and, as no one has a right to commit me, I move for a nonsuit."

THE LAST DEBT
His last great debt is paid. Poor Tom's no more!
Last debt! Tom never paid a debt before.

A THEORY OF LIGHT
A foolish fellow, who thought himself witty because fellows more foolish than himself sometimes told him that he was so, meeting a blind man, suddenly stopped him, and cried: "My good man! Can you tell me what is light?"
The blind man, who was really a wit, replied, "I think it is something which enables persons, when they see a fool, to avoid him."

TONGUE ENOUGH
One morning a party came into the public rooms at Buxton, somewhat later than usual, and asking for some tongue, were told Lord Byron had eaten it all.
"Very angry with his lordship," said a lady, loud enough for him to hear the conversation.
"I am very sorry for it, madam," replied Lord Byron; "but before I ate the tongue I was assured you did not want it."

AN IRISH ALTERNATIVE
An Irishman said to himself, as he stood musing and waiting for a job, "There's two ways of doing it. If I save me two thousand pounds, I must lay up two hundred pounds a year for twenty years, or I can put away twenty pounds a year for two hundred years - now which shall I do?"

This page was last updated on 05/29/2024.